I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
