Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
