I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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