Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
