just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
