Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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