He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
