then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
