So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
