I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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