he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
