I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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