frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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