wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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