tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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