Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
