Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
