woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
