You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
