The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize