Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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