You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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