im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
