my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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