just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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