I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
