I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
