i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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