so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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