Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
