My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
