I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
