one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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