my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
