All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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