If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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