oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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