I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
