I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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