uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
