I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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