after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
