someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
