i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
