You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize