is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
