Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
