I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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