Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
