oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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