i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
should my penis look like a turkey
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
