Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
