the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
