??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize