kristin has been a bad kristin
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
