There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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