I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
