I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Randomize
