why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
