Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
