just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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