he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
