just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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