i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
