How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
