Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
