I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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